Dwindlin' Down

Get a GRIP

2010-07-24T08:14:00.000-07:00

So...midway through my first week and have seen a small amount of progress. I am down 2.4 lbs as of this morning...not as much as I would like, but at the same time, at least the numbers on the scale are moving in the right direction. Also, my eating hasn't really been on point lately either...so I can't complain. I need to GET MOVING...but that is a challenge for me right now for some reason.

Well - perhaps I will set a goal to "move" this next week...let me think about this....

love and smooches to ME.

The time has come....

2010-07-19T05:16:00.000-07:00

So today is the day...whether I eat healthy or unhealthy, today is the day I start writing and tracking again. And it hasn't come a moment too soon. I stood on the scale today for the first time in a month and I am up 10.4 lbs. Whoa....not a pretty number...but a necessary piece of knowledge none-the-less. I will write more tonight...the day hasn't gotten off to a great start - overslept so my preparation for breakfast and lunch may be nil. If things go bad today though, I will not be discouraged. I will keep on keeping on.

"Advance to Go" - AGAIN

2010-07-13T21:59:00.000-07:00

Good Evening - (or morning as it might be depending on your locale) -

I am back and ready to tackle this weight problem again - as well as give updates on my school status. This is like my 3rd or 4th time trying to track my progress....perhaps third time will be the charm.

I am sad (and annoyed) to say that I have gained any and all weight previously lost and am now at perhaps my highest weight ever. Fabulous. I recently even tried a liquid diet...which was pretty cool cuz I lost 8 lbs in the first week...but as everyone knows...that is not the way to do things and it backfired once I started eating food again. Argh!

So..once again - I will try to "eat less and move more" and write about it so that I can have tangible progress.

I am going to post a starting weight on Monday since I will be out of town til Sunday. Then, my first official weighin and progress mark will be the following Monday. Each Monday, I will update with whatever ups or downs I have witnessed on the scale and along the way during the week, I will post my mini successes and challenges as well.

Since this blog has been so inconsistent and I've been back and forth between two countries since I started writing it, I will give a quick update on my career / school status.

I returned to the US in December after deciding that living in Canada would not be a long term option for us. Thankfully, my husband had the foresight to consider this and sent me up for a "test run" for the first semester. I absolutely loved the University up there and if my world consisted only of the University, I would have happily stayed. Unfortunately, other issues arose and we made a joint decision on my return. My son - now 20 - may not want me monitoring his every move...but he still needs mom close by sometimes. He actually got the swine flu while I was in Canada and was deathly ill...he didn't tell me about it until he was almost back to a healthy status because he didn't want to worry me. At the same time, when he did finally tell me about it, it was obvious that he didn't like the distance between us - and quite frankly, neither did I.

So - back to the States and trying to find a job that will allow me to go to school...argh...and that pays enough. So now, I am making a little more than 1/2 of what I was making before I left for Canada - not a great feeling. However, the goal is to have a job that allows the flexibility for me to go to school and this one seems like it is going to work. I haven't missed a single semester since I have been back in the states so that is good. At least my eye is on the prize to some extent. This summer, I have taken it a little easy with only one class for each summer session. I also got a great blessing by receiving a scholarship for $2K from the Executive Women International Dallas branch. This will be a huge blessing since we are paying for the school out of pocket and had the Fall 2009 term assessed at International student rates - (which are very outrageous). Oh well - at least I can't say I didn't go for it. I mean, I tried...and realized that the move just wasn't the best thing for me or my family. And as I said - my eye is still on the goal.

So - I am working now - still going to school - and attempting to eat right and exercise along the way....while dealing with the ever-changing emotions of a 20 year old son and maintaining a happy marital relationship....piece of cake, right??? - ok - bad choice of words....

Well - I think that is most of the big stuff....as I said - I am going to be committed to this effort. I may even post a link on my facebook where I will have real accountability to my FB friends and family if they read my posts....that's a little scary -but maybe that's what I need.

Hugs and Kisses! :-)
R-

Tour Day

2009-08-26T19:27:00.000-07:00

Today was the official first day of orientation for International students. It was exhausting...but nice to see the campus. My eating was HORRID today! Breakfast wasn't bad with a 1/2 banana and PB and a small slice of watermelon. However lunch consisted of an order of french fries and a Coke Zero. Dinner wasn't too bad with 1/4 rotissierie chicken and about 1o french fries...ginger ale for the drink so no saving on calories there :-(. Exercise on the other hand was plentiful. I wore my pedometer and had over 14K steps...and it included steps and more steps.

The real problem came after dinner when I got two donuts glazed with chocolate...certainly not the right thing...I think it is due to all that walking on some french fries and a banana half. Argh...I am irritated with myself for falling down on the donut wagon...but tomorrow is a new day...and it is not going to be quite as long so I will be able to eat better....and hopefully take a nap! :-)

Love to all!

First campus visit & a great food day

2009-08-25T19:00:00.000-07:00

AGGRAVATION....I had my post all typed out and everything and went to modify the font...somehow when I was highlighting the text I hit enter and lost the entire post...of course, the autosave engaged immediately afterwards and now I have no way to obtain the pre-auto-save version to publish...ARGH! This is what got me off-track last time...but alas...I will not let it derail me yet again.

To give a quick re-cap...toured campus today...and ate healthy....two days of over 9600 steps so all is good on the front of exercise.

I miss my family and friends DREADFULLY..but am growing accustomed to my new home. I just wish I could have stayed in Texas and taken this path.

I love you Cody and miss you more than you KNOW!!

A Girl Without a Country

2009-08-24T20:51:00.000-07:00

WOW! A long time since my last update...unexcusable, if I must say so myself!

Alot has changed since then...where to begin? Well...after our very 1st experience with CPS and the foster care system, my DH and I made a decision to totally uproot our otherwise chaotic lives and move...out of the country - nonetheless. What a wild ride it was!

So, I sit here in my new home (actually, my MIL's home and my temporary refuge). I am typing from the basement of DMIL's home with DH next to me.

Questions? I'm sure! After a very emotional experience with our foster daughter, I really felt drawn to working with children of trauma on a more intense level...only I did not possess the credentials to do so. I have relocated to Alberta, Canada in hopes of obtaining those credentials and moving into a more fulfilling career (albeit not financially rewarding). I am very thankful to DH for his support and encouragement...and to his family for their willingness to take on 2 grown adults (not to mention 3 dogs) during this transition.

For now, DH is going to continue to work in Big D at least through the end of the year. We will reexamine our position over the holiday break (see - I am already speaking Canuckie). :-)

What does this do with my weight loss journey? Actually - I believe that this puts me in a much better position to focus on this area of my life and I hope to report winning results each week.

The weather here is (thus-far) certainly more conducive to walking than the scorching summer heat of Tejas just days ago. I have enjoyed walks each day while in this beautiful country...although I am promised such nice weather is short lived and I should not grow accustomed to these outdoor activities.

My school of choice is University of Alberta and classes begin on September 2nd. I now have my official study permit and am looking forward to this trying out this student life again...the second time around. (or third which is actually more accurate).

My baby son I miss dreadfully...and he cried when he said good-bye to me which broke my heart...I love him so much...more than anything in this galaxy. I do truly believe, however, that he is better off being in a position that requires him to fend for himself a little more. I do not want to support him in a way that makes him less productive and promotes laziness...but...I'm mom...and I'm weak...and I do tend to do everything in my power to make things easier for him. It is time to allow him to stand (or fall) on his own and my relocation to Canada should make it more difficult for me to "rescue" him from his own consequences. I do wonder though if he will ever know how much I truly love him....if I could give anything or everything and assure his happiness...I would most certainly do that...however, happiness really comes from within and that is a lesson that I cannot teach him, but that he must learn himself.

As far as eating goes, I am doing reasonably well. My DMIL will oversee my eating I'm quite sure. I actually think it will be quite helpful...if it doesn't drive me insane! :-)

Well...I know it is a big change...however...I wanted to make sure you knew that I hadn't quit. I simply pulled over for a bit, but I am back in the drivers seat again and onto the journey of a lifetime.

Much Love!
Rebekah

Stayin Alive

2009-04-04T15:10:00.000-07:00

OMG - What a year this has been. As a quick update, and I promise I will update more later this weekend - I am still here and still fighting this weight battle. Yikes....things got really crazy after my last post. My FIL passed away and required sudden and unscheduled out of country travel...of course - neither DH or I had passports, so we were suddenly thrust into a rush of getting this paperwork processed. I had actually written a long blog explaining all of this while we were traveling and as I went to POST it...the connection dropped and I lost everything I had typed. Talk about annoyed. At any rate - I am back in the game now...and will soon be blogging away.

<3 Me...

Ready to quit

2009-02-01T15:54:00.000-08:00

Today is the first day since I've really started with this blog that I am feeling ready to quit. I mean- honestly I am just totally defeated. Really, I shouldn't be defeated. I am hanging in the 230's pretty well...today I am up less than 3 lbs above my lowest weight since beginning the blog. Lowest weight was on 1/27 with a 235.5 according to my Wii. Today, I weighed in at 238.3...so I guess that is 2.8 lbs. Is that right? If so, it's not really that bad nor should I be so discouraged and ready to quit.

I had a pretty good Saturday after all. We spent all day at a seminar by Heather Forbes, called "Beyond Consequences Live". She is the author of a series of books on a new approach to discipline. It was certainly informative, however the approach is so very different from anything we (especially I) have ever used previously. At times, it was a challenge to fully embrace this approach. I don't consider myself a tough disciplinarian by any stretch of the imagination. However, this approach certainly makes my views seem extreme. I signed up for a 10 week more in-depth session that might allow me to get answers to some of my concerns. Perhaps after completing those sessions, I can more fully believe in the methods that were shared in this seminar.

After the seminar, my husband surprised me with a fabulous dinner at a restaurant, Kenny's Wood-Fire Grill. It is located in a little shopping strip and was quite a delight. It doesn't seem like anything special on the outside, but you walk inside to quite a hidden jewel. The scene was intimate, dark, and cozy. I may have been a little underdressed in my black sweater and denim jeans, but we were tucked into a corner of the small and cozy restaurant and I really don't think anyone could even see how I was dressed from the waist down. When we were escorted to our table in the corner, clearly marked with a "reserved" card and menus already placed for us, there was a beautiful vase of flowers on the table from a local florist. A card was perched in the vase with my name on it. The card simply said, "Rebekah, I love you. Mike" To say the least, I was sorta blown away. I would have never thought to have flowers delivered to the restaurant at which we were dining....so I certainly never expected to receive something like this. The service was outstanding...and the menu was amazing. Obviously - calorie count wasn't coming into play...I was going to indulge in something amazing..and not feel guilty. I mean, after all...how often does a girl get a surprise like this, right? I settled on an 8oz fillet with 2 bacon encrusted shrimp and a side of asparagus. Actually - I didn't think it would be that bad of a selection...so I didn't even ask for "light" preparation. OMG....the food was amazing...but extreeeeeemely rich. The bacon shrimp wasn't at all what I expected since the bacon was fully cooked and the shrimp was then rolled in the crushed pieces of bacon...almost like taking shrimp and coating them in bacon bits. It was served with a huge pot of fondue as well. I am not kidding. The steak was covered with a blob of walnut butter that was almost the same size as the steak. The food, although good...was just so very rich. Even the asparagus had a sauce on it. I tried to scrape as much of the sauces off that I could...and I didn't dip the giant prawn shrimp in the fondue or anything. Still, when all was said and done (including dessert)...I was stuffed. Beyond stuffed. I really didn't feel guilty though since it was a special occasion (even if the "special" occasion was a "just because I love you" from my husband.

We followed the dinner with a comedy show at the Eismann Centre in Richardson, TX. A trio called "Three Blonde Moms" was performing and the hubs got tix for us. It was hilarious...although I found 2 of the moms much funnier than one...so did the hubs. It was still a pretty amazing night and we were home before midnight..so all was well. An episode of CSI later, we were both sleeping soundly...most likely because the day had been draining. Even with all the fun stuff in the evening...sitting in a seminar for the day can become pretty tiring.

Today, the plan was to get up and be at church at 9:30. We had planned on going to church with JJ...having lunch afterwards and then hitting the gym...hard and heavy to help alleviate the sins of the night before. Sounds good, right? I woke up at 2. PM not AM. 2 o'clock in the afternoon...say what???? I have no idea what happened.....I'm certain our alarm went off as scheduled...could we both have just slept right through it? Who knows...but I can tell you....it must not have been a good thing. I woke up with a sorta "who cares?" attitude. What's the use...I am never gonna be a normal size again anyway and all of this is just me trying to fool myself into believing something that ain't gonna happen.

Now...I'm not sure if you have ever felt this way or not. Perhaps, I am the odd duck...who has these fits of despair. But...it has pretty much kept my bootie in bed for the afternoon...and now we are lounging around watching the SuperBowl. Hubs is rooting for the Cards...me for the Steelers...(I do know it would be fabulous for the Cardinals to win the first SB in over 60 years...but I can't help but remember the greatness of the Steelers and the Coca-Cola commercial with big ole Mean Joe Green....who can't love the steelers after he threw that jersey to the little boy???)

Oh well...I really hope the funk passes cuz honestly...I think I am done trying to reach the unreachable star. Tomorrow I am supposed to go to boot camp...our last week. I don't really want to go anymore. I just want to sleep in and get to work around 8 or 8:30. However, I must go....since we have partners and my partner will have to "pay" a price if I am not there. So...four more days of boot camp...and then maybe I will get re-energized. Right now...I'm feeling pretty lousy in terms of weight loss efforts so....say a prayer for me if you believe in that kind of thing...if not....just keep positive thoughts..that I can get past my funk...get on with my challenge and not give up...even though I don't feel as if I have the energy to step onto a treadmill again.

I have to see the doc on Thursday...this is the day I wanted to be securely in the 220's again. Oh well...just another goal...not acheived. I am a downer today....so sorry.

Perhaps I need to get some new "Happy" pills. :-)

IDK....

<3>

Feeling Good

2009-01-29T17:24:00.001-08:00

Today we had one of our first meetings for the "Biggest Loser" challenge we are conducting in our office. The vendor for an internal health website gave a demo on the tools available with the site. Although there were some things that I found useful, quite honestly - there are so many other tools out there on the web that have more flexibility, that I'm not confident this website will meet my needs. However, since the demo was for a group of people who all have access to this site, I hope that some found it useful.

Weather was icky Tuesday & Wednesday...the office actually closed at noon on Tuesday and opened at noon on Wednesday...so all in all...a full day out of the office. Of course, the work doesn't stop..and with the modern day devices...being at home we're always still "connected". It is certainly more comfortable to get the work done on an icy day from the couch..than spending a couple of hours driving in.

I'm sorta proud of myself because even though the roads were icy...I made it to a water aerobics class on Wednesday night...and today resumed the boot camp. Have I mentioned before that I am not a fan of sweating? I absolutely HATE to sweat...but at practically every workout & boot camp, I work up a terrible sweat. The one "sometimes" exception to that is when I take part in a water exercise class. However, thanks to my own JJ....even THAT time has come to a close. Now it seems that after my water aerobics class, I am to spend at least 10 minutes in the dry sauna. Any idea how hot the dry sauna is??? I am not a person who enjoys heat. Ever. I am the chick that keeps the A/C going even in the winter. But now...I am learning to appreciate the heat of the dry sauna. It is so very relaxing and when I walk out of the sauna into the general "wet" area of the gym....I feel incredibly refreshed & energized. I certainly hadn't expected this and I must say that I quite enjoy my "sauna" time. Maybe it's just the "after-effect" of my sauna time. Either way, it's something that makes me happy and it's NOT related to FOOD. Yes...there are things out there that will satisfy us.....and they have absolutely no caloric value whatsoever! Yippee!!

Boot Camp - Week 3 - I have missed two days this week (due to the weather) -ouch- and on top of that, I am going to miss the Hydro class that I usually take on Saturday because we will be at an all-day seminar on parenting. So....back-up plan - Friday is usually my "off" day...but since apparently Tuesday was an off day for me this week..I am going to go in tomorrow morning to at least get cardio in. Saturday morning - the hubs and I have decided we will get up super early and get our work-out on...the seminar is actually taking place on the SAME STREET as the gym that we visit most often...what are the odds??? Ah - but don't think we are too self-sacrificing. We are hitting the gym so that we can go enjoy a nice breakfast before we get to the seminar. Food will most definitely make us get out of bed! (At least that is what we hope will happen!).

I have not been eating as mindfully as I should. I do pretty good at breakfast & lunch- however dinner gets me most nights. Monday night - we had a flat at the gym...had to call the tow people cuz it was cold and rainy and my husband is prone to pneumonia - which is never a good thing. Waited at the gym forever to have some guy come out and change the tire - $80 bucks & a smile later...we were on our way. We resisted the urge to eat out...didn't eat at the gym - trying to make sure our spending is "mindful" as well. So - I felt pretty good about that day. Tuesday & Wednesday were pretty good also. Today though - today - not so pretty. For some reason - I have no idea why...I wanted Wingstop. I really love WS...and I know that it is not close to healthy...especially when pared with the delicious fries. I did order wings & fries. Now - typically - I can put away some wings & fries. Tonight I ate 10 wings and a small fry and was so incredibly stuffed I couldn't move. Does this mean my appetite is actually getting "smaller"? Why does that seem scary to me? Isn't that what I want? Of course it is. For some reason though...the thought of not being able to cram unhealthy food down my throat seems a little scary. I mean, what IF...I'm never able to eat more than my body weight in wings again??? What IF something happens and Wingstop closes the doors, never to re-open again and I am never able to taste the fabulousness that is WS?? Now, even as I type this...I realize that it is crazy talk...but those thoughts do just randomly run through my head. WHAT IF...I stop worrying about that stuff and realize that gradually - I am getting to a single digit size...or for that matter a size that doesn't START with a TWO!?!?! OR - for that matter a WEIGHT that doesn't start with a TWO? What if....I worry about the things that matter like that I can button my jeans without laying down on my bed and holding my breath? How about I think of the "IF's" that come along with positive lifestyle changes? Wouldn't that be better? Of course it would! But HOW ENTERTAINING IS THAT??? Well...I guess I am pleased that I could barely swallow what would be a normal sized portion for any other adult. I wish that I didn't feel so guilty after eating it....I know I could have made a better choice...but at the same time...while I do want to lose the weight, I also want to be able to live...and to occassionally enjoy the guilty pleasures of restaurant food. Is that too much to ask? I think NOT!

So - workout tomorrow - workout Saturday and then a semi-last chance workout with JJ on Sunday. Hopefully, my arthritic knee is all better by then...from what I have heard, I should expect a very painful and exhausting workout. Hopefully I won't be subjected to vomiting or tears this time around!

Loving me, myself & I today...because I DESERVE it.

<3 Me

Taking my "Off" day to the xtreme

2009-01-25T13:46:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, someone told me that I should take my "off" days (ie, the days that I don't work out) very seriously. Today - I must say, I have taken it to a whole nutha level! But hey, I deserve it, right??? I think so. I have lounged around most of the day...ignoring some of the chores in the house that need to be completed (that is what my wonderful husband is for, right?). Well, most of the time, yes. But today, he is snoozing right beside me. He certainly earned his snooze though. He started off the day with a workout that lasted close to 3 hours. Apparently, he is not too thrilled with his standing in the "Biggest Loser" challenge at the office. :-) He has now taken up the hobby of "journaling" and is keeping an eye on his daily caloric intake. In the end, this will probably make things a little easier for me....I am pretty sure there will be less "temptations" if both of us are working towards similar goals.

I do think my body needs to rest though. I am still fighting this illness somewhat so my throat is a little sore. Even still, I did make it to the gym yesterday. I did a steady jog for 11 min 32 sec...and ended up going a distance of 3/4 mile. Next I went to the 9 AM hydro class...which is really my favorite part of the week (except, of course, my off days). If you've never taken a hydro class, I think you would be surprised at the workout involved. I think the instructor, Alexis, got a little bored this week. She actually had us tossing our little styrofoam weights up in the air and catching them - almost like one would do with a baton. Now...I am not the most coordinated person....I'm probably not even in the top 80%. It couldn't have been more comical...everytime I tossed that weight in the air...I had to whisper a prayer that it wasn't going to hit another student right in the head. It was fun though...sort of freeing in a way. I left right away and ran to get showered, dressed, and head to the spa for my facial. I had been looking forward to it for so long...and realized that I had double booked myself with appointments. Ouch - I had wanted to do the gym & facial...but one of my very dearest friends...who I don't get to see very often...was scheduled to be on my side of town for a meeting that I needed to attend. So...I did my workout...shortened the facial to an "express" version..and tore out of the gym to meet my friend. The facial was FABULOUS. I really love rewarding myself with things like facials and massages. I think as long as I am doing those kinds of rewards...I should be able to make it through the grueling workouts. (I hope). Working out is still a challenge..not so much doing it...I can go...I can get in a workout without too much complaining. The problem sets in when I receive feedback from my own little Jillian Junior that I'm not pushing hard enough or I need to step it up. While I do appreciate her help...more than she will EVER know...sometimes I am barely able to keep up. I do understand what the BL participants mean when they announce on TV they are about to throw up. I have felt it...and shared the feeling with my JJ. She just smiles and says..."good". Yikes - sometimes I just don't know about all this.

Foodwise - I did pretty good yesterday. We went out for lunch to a local Italian place and I forfeited the pasta (not too difficult for me) and went with a 4oz petite filet topped with a grilled shrimp. You read right...A grilled shrimp...not plural. Sorta just enough to tease you. It came with seasonal veggies including broccoli, snow peas, carrots. Not a bad lunch. Dinner we did fast food...but Chick-Fil-A is always a reasonably good choice for me since I can get the Chargrilled Chicken Sandwich and substitute fruit or soup for fries. They also carry Coke Zero which I love.

Today is not going quite as good...since I'm being lazy. Fast food this AM and nothing really for lunch. We are supposed to go out with Bryan, one of our "sons"...not biologically...but he lived with us during his high school years and first semester of college. He now works for Anheuser-Busch and recently got a promotion. I think he wants to share the details of the promotion and his plans to move into a house....which is all info I got from my son, Cody...I think it is supposed to be a surprise...so I will certainly be "surprised". Bryan has been trying to get some time with us for about a week..but last weekend, we had to go out of town to take Cody his car...so last weekend didn't work. During the week is so hard...especially when I need to be at work before 6 AM. I'm not sure where we will go tonight, but I will make a reasonably good choice wherever we end up.

I need to put together a "newsletter" for the Biggest Loser challenge at my office. It will be simple...but I've been putting it off long enough...so I think I will get started on that.

Peace, love & health!

<3 Me

Still Standin

2009-01-20T16:10:00.001-08:00

Well..Week 2, Day 2 of Boot Camp went relatively well this morning. I so wish that I was one of those people who loved to work out. The endorphines that are supposed to kick-in...I've always heard about them..and I'd love to have them!! Now, don't get me wrong...when I finish a session at the gym (or boot camp)...I am absolutely THRILLED to be done with it! And..I'm usually in a reasonably good mood...but surely there is something more to the whole release of endorphines than that...right??? For now, I should just make peace with the fact that I have to do this...will most likely always have to do this to some extent. I doubt I will ever love it...or even like it...but if I can just keep makin it through...one day at a time...I will be in a better place this time next month...and then this time next year. So...keep the eye on the prize and hopefully I will stay committed.

I can certainly say that if it wasn't for my group of buddies in the morning, I probably couldn't hang with the boot camp. Knowing that everyone is sorta counting on you really helps you stay on track.

My eating is pretty good today. I have stayed at about 420 cals for breakfast and less than 200 cals for lunch thanks to my friend who is helping us all stay on track by finding healthy recipes, cooking them up so that we can have a good lunch that is low cal. Today was meatloaf and some modified Lipton Soup covered red potatoes. Meatloaf is not typically something I will eat...but I did today. It was pretty good and the potatoes were FABULOUS.

I'm feeling a little puny today so no gym this afternoon. I ran to Care Now at lunch and have a viral infection on the roof of my mouth which is causing me to not really want to eat very much. Also, the beginning signs of strep, although the swab test was negative. The doc wanted to make sure that we caught it if it was coming on, so she put me on antibiotics...and I also received this liquid lidocaine to help with the pain in the roof of my mouth. Who knew they had such a thing as liquid lidocaine??? Amazing.

I am signing off tonight since I'm feeling ill. Stay strong!

<3 Me

Flash Forward

2009-01-19T16:41:00.000-08:00

Well, I haven't done a very good job of posting lately. This will be rectified starting tonight.

There has been so much going on lately that I don't even know where to start, so I will do my best to bring you up to date.

My office started a "Biggest Loser" challenge on January 16th. There are 47 participants of many various sizes and shapes. Like the show, the winner will be determined by the largest percentage of weight lost. Of course, I hope to be in the running, but even if that isn't in the cards for me, I believe that having the support group will be helpful. We've got some speakers lined up to come in and my hope is that everyone benefits for hearing the topics discussed by a professional. As part of this Biggest Loser challenge, we spoke with the fitness centre in our building. They actually do a boot camp in the mornings. We were able to work out a deal with the fitness center that offered our BL participants a $25 discount off of the already reduced rate of $150.00. Six AM arrival time for four weeks...45 min each time...M-TH for $125. A little pricey, but since I have such a long way to go, it was a price I chose to pay. This is week 2. Last week included alot of soreness. It seemed like my legs and arms hurt sooo bad...I wasn't exactly sure if it came from the boot camp or the killer workout that Kimber had put me through on the Saturday before the camp started. My pain started on Saturday, but Monday morning, it just seemed to increase. By Thursday, I was soooo glad that our 1st week of Boot Camp had come to an end. Thursday after work, I decided to treat myself to a deep tissue massage to hopefully help work some of the soreness out. Note to self: Deep tissue massages can be a little painful. Of course, I could have asked the therapist to lighten the touch a little, but quite honestly I thought I might need some of that deep penetration around my muscles. So, I sucked it up. Afterwards, I was SOOO glad I had sucked it up and let the therapist work on the muscles. I walked out of the office and had absolutely no soreness whatsoever. It was amazing. I am sooo believing in the healing power of massage. By the way, if you are a massage lover, you might want to check out Massage Envy that offers a $39 introductory rate for a 50 minute massage. Fabulous. Once you get in though, there is a slight sales job...they actually offer a "membership" for $49 per month. This is a 12-month contract and this includes your first massage each month. A pretty nifty deal...IMHO. Each additional massage is only $39. I can't see myself ever getting more than one massage a month, but the idea of getting at least one a month is quite lovely. If for some reason I can't get in for one in a given month, that massage just rolls over into the next month. FABULO-SO!!

Overall, in the area of exercise, I am holdin on. I have been going to the boot camp in the morning and have been doing a reasonable job of making it to the gym in the afternoon after work. My own little "Jillian Jr" has walking pneumonia and so she is out of the picture for a while. She really needs to take it easy and let her body heal. I know this little angel though and I am so sure that she is feeling badly about not being able to be there to push me. JJ - If you are reading, please know that I am doing what I need to do..I am staying on track and you don't need to worry about me. Take care of yourself and when you are back to 100%, you can push me to tears...AGAIN. J/K..tears haven't came into play YET. I'm trying to be all "adult" and not complain too much. I am just so appreciative of her help and support! If you've ever struggled with weight loss or exercise specifically, I am sure you can relate.

Also - last Thursday at my little class, the PT that comes in challenged each of us to make sure we reached our goal of 10K steps each day for this month. So, I have been trying to make sure I at least get that done. I have had a few days of low numbers...like for example this weekend. Saturday, I couldn't wear the pedometer in the pool while I was at the hydro class, so I didn't get any steps for that work-out...then we were in the car for a while cuz we had to take a car to my son in college at Tyler. His car blew the engine so we will get it repaired EVENTUALLY. It will be a little while since the price tag is in the several grand ballpark. I think we will just get a new motor for it and it will become my car. But I digress. I've hit above 10K steps on 5 days outof the past 9 days so...I am at least hitting above 50%. My hope is that by the time I go back to class to see the PT, I will have "averaged" at least 10K steps per day. Only time will tell.

As far as food goes, I am doing "OK". Not always making the best choices, but definitely doin better than I would under normal circumstances. The weekends are definitely more difficult for me..especially if we are out and about. I did OK Saturday after finishing the hydroclass. We hit Chick-Fil-A on the way out to Tyler and Outback that evening. I am able to make reasonably good choices at those two places. I still have a long way to go in terms of balancing out my diet, but I am definitely pleased with the progress I've made so far.

Now...for the news that takes my smile away....the scale. It is not really moving much. When I look at my chart on Wii Fit, it almost looks like a flatline. Of course, I realize that I can't rely to heavily on the numbers. It is really hard to not get discouraged though. My only saving grace in this area is that I know that I am doing everything "right". My eating is controlled and for the most part, my calorie count is where it needs to be. My exercise habits are outstanding. Could I push myself harder? Possibly...but in all honesty, I haven't ever worked out like this before, so surely goodness & mercy....I am going to see results in the future. I am not giving up because I don't see immediate results. It's the tortoise that wins the race, right??? Slow and steady. Perhaps this is the downward trend I will see. My steps are at 9770 today so I need to get in 130 more steps in before I go to bed. I will get it done...no worries...it's all good.

Well...I think that brings most everything up to date. I'm sure I have forgotten something, but for now, I'm gonna call it a day. I will update tomorrow after day 2 week 2 of boot camp.

Have a blessed day!

<3>

ANNOYED

2009-01-09T21:20:00.000-08:00

Just spent a long time typing an updated blog and when I went to post it, received some dang error message and now will have to retype EVERYTHING!

QUICK update on all the stuff I just spent an hour or more writing follows:

Homestudy went great!
241.5 at doctor visit
MAJOR killer workout planned for tomorrow.
Boot camp staring Monday at 6 AM.

Oh...I will retype all of this with more details...but I must rise early tomorrow for my killer workout so I need to get my beauty sleep!!

<3 Me

Pound For Pound Challenge Widget

2009-01-09T07:55:00.001-08:00

Back on Track

2009-01-05T18:20:00.000-08:00

Well...it has been forever since I posted and so much has happened. I'll try to recap..but be patient...it has been a while. First, to all who might be wondering, hoping or praying....our beloved Sampson came home the day after my last post. I am so thankful because my husband was really a mess and I know that a missing part of our family would have made our holidays seem a bit emptier.

Now for the weight...it has been up and down over the holidays....prior to the holidays, my weight had been trending down for the most part. However, over the holidays my sister and her family were in town from out of the country and I mentioned loving to be the "fun" aunt...so many of our outings lended opportunity for food, and the choices weren't always healthy. We had so much fun though...and chasing around 3 kids surely helped to burn off some of those extra calories, right? We took some family pics with my sis and her family and I will get those posted as soon as I get the "rights" from the photograper (jtoves.com).

Food choices weren't too bad on Christmas day or Christmas Eve. I made two desserts that weren't really my faves, so I wasn't tempted to indulge. We also played a little WII Fit Christmas day...every little bit helps, right?

I am still hoping to be below 240 at my Dr. Appt on Thursday...and that is possible...if all the stars line up just right. The weight is still fluctuating quite a bit from day to day, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed that Thursday will be a lighter day. I'm also sticking to my calorie limitations 100% to make sure a little slip doesn't cause me to not achieve my goal. It will be quite an accomplishment if I drop below 240 during the holidays.

On the topic of exercise - I didn't live up to my hopes of staying on track at the gym. Mostly, I was just having too much fun with the kids and we get to spend time with them so infrequently I just decided to stay and play rather than head out to the gym. I hit a couple of water aerobic classes - that was the extent of it. Today, I went to the gym for cardio for the first time since before Christmas. Kimber wasn't able to join me, but she was more than happy to give me a "plan"...which I greatly appreciate. It was all cardio today and started with 7 minutes on the treadmill, followed by 15 min eliptical and 30 min on the bike. I took it easy on my joints because I did have some problems with my left knee and ankle over the holidays. Even ended up in the ER, only to be told I have some arthritis in my knee. A little naproxin and a ton of humility for aging gracefully...and I'll be better in the AM. I've still had some trouble and the eliptical and bike were the least impacting to the knee (I think). Tonight went rather well though. I actually feel better when I go to the gym...have that "feeling of accomplishment". I am OK once I get there...it's the getting there that's tough....can anybody relate?

At work, we are going to kick off a "Biggest Loser" competition a week from Friday. I have volunteered to head it up and am very excited about sharing this journey with others that are commited to make positive changes in their lives. I am also excited about the real Biggest Loser that is starting again tomorrow night. I know that watching Jillian and Bob in action will inspire me to step up my exercise (or at least stay on track).

Also - and this is a big stresser - we are in the process of becoming certified foster to adopt parents. My husband and I feel that we have been incredibly blessed and want to share our blessings with children who may need some stability whether for a lifetime or for a short time. The paperwork we had to complete was tremendous. We have worked through most of the paperwork. Wednesday, we have a caseworker coming out to have conduct our home study. This weekend was a little bit of shopping for all the latches and locks we need to "child-proof". Then a big cleaning effort. Typically, that wouldn't be a huge challenge. This coming so close to the holidays makes it a bit more stressful. We needed to take down the tree and make sure everything was put away and the LR was put back in the "pre-holiday" state. Also, we haven't found permanent homes for all of our presents, so we had to do that...and with having 6 extra people here for the holidays, things are a bit more cluttered than one would prefer. Our carpet in the master bedroom desparately needs to be replaced (we have 3 dogs...so you can imagine that carpet is not the ideal flooring)....so I am worried about that not "passing" the inspection. It is very stressful...and I can't stress eat. I really hope I am not all "wound up" by the time Wednesday afternoon gets here. I had to call the caseworker today to get some details on the type of child locks that were acceptable..and of course, we have to return the 3 different types that we picked up, because they are not the "approved" child-locks. I am very nervous about this and really have no reason to be since I have successfully raised my 18 year old - mostly as a single parent. I don't think I'll be able to fully catch my breath til our home study is complete.

I really am not certain what I am most nervous about - the home study or the Dr. appt on Thursday...this will definitely be a very full week.

I promise to do a better job of posting...I got distracted with my niece and nephews. I can't apologize for that....all that CUTENESS!!! :-)

<3>

Stress Eating

2008-12-20T19:17:00.001-08:00

Is what I am about to do. I could fight the urge if it were just me, but this is my hubby's stress. Our most beloved dog, Sampson, got out of yard today while we were out and we haven't been able to find him. We have looked and looked along with our neighbors, and my son and many others we passed along the way. No luck. A few people had seen him...but we just always seemed to catch up with them too late. My husband also has pneumonia...so he doesn't need to be out looking for the dog...but this dog is so special to my husband. It is really hard to explain, especially if you are not a dog lover...but I will try to explain. My husband found Sampson at a shelter and he had been badly abused. My hubby was at a really vulnerable place in his life and the two creatures sort of bonded. They spent the next year helping each other to heal over the pain and hurt they had experienced before they met. I think without Sampson, Mike would have never been ready to have a wife and a family and I know that our family is very incomplete right now and we are just praying and praying that he finds his way home.

The doorbell just rang and it is the pizza delivery person...like I said...this is mainly my husbands stress...but I am guilty of giving in to the gooey nastiness.

Sampson come home...we love you and need you.

<3 Me

More love than hate today - FINALLY

2008-12-19T10:51:00.000-08:00

Today I finally saw something on the scale that I have been wanting to see since my last post. A drop in the numbers on the scale. The last few days have been like some kind of yo-yo, but I never hit the 250 lb mark again, so that is something to be thankful for. Today, the scale reflected a weight of 243.4 which is the lowest I've seen in quite some time. Of course, I'm not supposed to be looking at the scale...I should be judging my progress on so many other factors...but of course, that is hard to do when you've spent so many years using the scale as the measuring stick.

I haven't planned any of the holiday menus yet, but I am pretty sure I will be able to do a reasonable job with that stuff. Of course, I plan to indulge in some yummy treats but hopefully I will carefully select where I want to spend my extra calories and keep those to a minimum on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

Exercise continues to be a struggle for me, but I have to give props to my girl Kimber. She doesn't give up on me and stays on track with the gym visits even on days when she would rather go home and just play with baby K. Yesterday, she kicked my butt hard on the cardio and I teared up a couple of times. I was fighting back tears, but I pushed through it and finished what she asked me..which was a 30 minute cycle on the treadmill followed by a 15 min torture time on the elliptical. A few times I "paused" which really means I just added extra time to my misery...but I did finish...and there is no better feeling than to be done. I don't mean that feeling of accomplishment you get from achieving something you never thought you could do. I mean the sheer happiness that you feel when you don't have to keep moving. I don't enjoy exercise, but I know it is a missing piece of this weight loss puzzle I have been trying to put together for the past few years. Tomorrow is water aerobics so yippee...I enjoy that because there is a lot less sweating involved.

Three more weeks til my next Dr. appointment and I can't wait...I really hope that my number is below 240 by that time...I think he will be surprised and pleased and I know that I can mark that off of my "goal" list.

BTW, I have been meaning to post a "before" pic....and finally have done that. It is certainly not a "happy pic", but one that is necessary in order to truly "SEE MYSELF" as I am now.

Hope everyone is enjoying this special time of year and the loved ones who are still here to share it with us. My SIL is having a tough time cuz my big brother passed away this year and it is her first year without him by her side at the holidays. I wish I could help her and make things better, but I know that there is nothing I can say to her to take away this pain. She said in my Christmas card this year that "life will never be the same". And she is right...it's not the same for me either...I loved my brother so much...but I know that he is giving me the stregth to make it through any rough times I encounter and he lives everyday in the hearts of anyone who knew him. I love you bubba....and miss you more than you can ever know.

<3 Me

My Love - Hate Relationship with the Scale

2008-12-16T05:08:00.000-08:00

This morning I popped out of bed and couldn't wait to stand on the scale. I knew my choices weren't great on Sunday, but overall I had a pretty good weekend and was looking forward to seeing the scale settle back down. Hmmmmmm....didn't happen. Not only did the numbers on the scale not trend down...but instead, I actually saw an INCREASE. This really ticks me off. I am doing exactly what I need to do in order to see downward trending results. It is very odd to me that I am not a little angry. Instead, I am just moving right along as if the increases don't bother me at all. I guess that is because I am doing everything I can possibly do to achieve the results. I haven't missed a single workout and my calorie intake has only exceeded the recommended range once and even then, it was only by 65 calories. I have to believe this is an evil trick being played on me by the scale...something to discourage me and make me give in to a nice fast food hamburger or even better - the ooey gooey goodness of pizza. I think I will be strong...and I know that eventually, the scale will reflect this strength.

Weather is icky today, but not quite icky enough. Still must go in to work :-( but hopefully, I will get much accomplished today. I still have quite a few things to get done around the house in preparation for my sis and her family. I can't wait to see everyone. I hope the kiddos have a really good time. They don't get to spend holidays with family very often since they live in a little village in Mexico. I always want to make sure the kids have fun while they're here. I like being the fun, cool aunt.

<3 Me

Back on Track

2008-12-15T16:40:00.000-08:00

Monday comes along and it just seems like things get easier during the week. Yesterday was sort of a downer day for me, but I didn't stray too far off track. I did exceed my suggested caloric intake by about 65 calories...which isn't the worst of it. I think worse than the 65 calorie overage was the fact that the choices I made weren't very good. However, today is a new day and I am not going to dwell on the choices of yesterday.

Holiday party at work today presented some challenges, but not nearly as large of a challenge as those little smokies on Saturday night. The biggest obstacle today was the cheesecake. I didn't do too badly at lunch. I ate about 4 ounces of a 6 oz. beef filet and passed on the chicken which looked really, really yummy but was breaded in something that I don't believe was Fiber One. LOL! I ate a few green beans and skipped on the mashed potatoes and orange veggies which I think were sweet potatoes. It was good to skip the food, especially since we had to get up in front of a room full of people and sing...yuck. I can't carry a tune, so I'm sure you can imagine how thrilled I was to stand in front of everyone. Actually - it wasn't too bad and standing with a couple of good friends by my side, made it much easier!

After the party, Kimber went with me to the gym. She ran a leg in the marathon at White Rock lake yesterday so she didn't work out, but that didn't stop her from standing over me to make sure I did my part. I could tell you how annoying this behaviour was, but that wouldn't be 100% truthful. I could never make the progress that I have made without her by my side. I appreciate it more than she will ever know. Please don't misunderstand....there is a certain level of annoyance. I don't love it while we are stepping through the program she has outlined for me, but thusfar, I have been able to finish our days without passing out. I can't say that I would regret not working out, but I can say that I usually feel fine by the time we complete everything.

I really wish that I would experience the endorphines that everyone claims rush in when we exercise. That "natural high" feeling that makes you LOVE to work out. Still haven't felt that, but am hoping that one day I will notice it. I can tell you that my favorite part of the work out is when we are all finished and actually walk out of the gym into the cold air. It is so refreshing.

Tomorrow will be an "off" day for the workout girls (praise be to God). Wednesday we are having our official "assessment" from Lifetime fitness. Not really looking forward to that since they will be taking measurements and all sorts of fun stuff like that. It will be good though, because it will give me a "starting point". My next Dr. Appt is on 1/8 and I would really like to see some progress from all this hard work. I haven't missed a scheduled workout and I do really feel good about that, but the scale is not being very friendly right now in light of the changes in my eating and exercise habits. It seems like the scale is creeping back up and that doesn't really make me enthusiastic. I hope that this is partly due to the normal fluctuations we women face each month, but only time will really tell.

Well...still have a few things to finish up and would like to get to bed early tonight if possible. Maybe tomorrow will be a "snow" day...that would be fun....although not quite the same as the days when my kiddo would be praying for the school name to scroll across the bottom of the screen. It was always fun to have a snow day back then....even if I just made sure the hot cocoa was ready when he and his buddies came back in.

Here's hoping that you will hear from less of me tomorrow!

<3 Me

Another day

2008-12-14T17:54:00.000-08:00

Another day and not too much to say. Still in my funk. Stayed in bed all day today. Went over my calorie count by 65 calories which isn't too bad, in my opinion. Had so much to do, but just didn't feel like doin it. Overslept and didn't make it to White Rock this morning....which was the best shot I had at actually getting out and about. Tomorrow is the Holiday party at work, so it will be a busy day, I know. Maybe I will feel happy tomorrow.

Sometimes life just sucks

2008-12-13T20:37:00.000-08:00

First, let me suggest that you skip this blog if you don't like to hear people whine. This is going to be a big ole whinin, pity party.

I went to a Christmas party at the home of my boss tonight. My boss is also one of my dearest friends and I always look forward to spending time with her outside of the office. So, one would think I would come home after such a great time in a wonderful mood. That is how it should have happened..but of course, that's not the way it did happen.

I have battled with this thing called "envy" for most of my life. I seem to always look at the lives of others and compare it to my own and see all the shortcomings in my life. It's pretty psycho, I know. And, as much as I try, I just can't seem to stop myself. I am at this little party watching everyone with their happy lives. Couples in love, people smiling, everyone happy..I watch and I just wish that I had something like that in my life. I feel very lonely in this crowded room of people. I feel lonely and unhappy. I imagine all the laughter that takes place in the home of each person who stands around me...the people with whom I work everyday. I think about my home in all of it's silence. I wonder how I got to this place in my life...this place where I have no one around to love me. I wish I knew what I did to isolate myself so much.

I am certain that you are very confused. Cuz I've told you about my husband...the one who is so great and I feel so blessed to have in my life. All this talk seems crazy if that is true, huh? Maybe. But while I feel very blessed to have Mike in my life...and he feels blessed to have me in his life - we only really have each other....and that is mainly by default...he was ready to have a wife...and I was there. My son is busy with his friends and really only needs me for occassional spending money. In years gone by, he needed me...and he loved me. Those days are over. Today, he just counts the minutes that he spends with me as if he is counting the days until a prison sentance is over. I thought I had filled his childhood with wonderful memories and lots of love. Somehow along the way, I missed the mark though. My life isn't filled with the joyous laughter of friends and family. It is empty and lonely. And that makes me sad. Sad and angry. Single friends say things to me sometimes. Things like, "at least you have a husband". Or..."I'd like to have what you guys have". I find it comical at best. We just have alot of unfulfilled dreams and missed opportunities.

I looked at the photographs on display in my friend's home. The smiles on the faces of her loved ones...the joyous events of her life and the lives of those whom she loves. How marvelous it must be to be surrounded by such happiness. The loving gaze of her husband. The admiration and respect of everyone in the room. I am envious.

I watched the guests at the party. Those who received phone calls from friends and other loved ones during the party. Those who had other parties and events to attend. People who are in the early stages of their relationship and the playful way that they exchange words. Mothers and Fathers who are anxious to return to their children or cuddle up on the couch with each other. Everyone is so full of life...so full of energy...full of excitement. I am envious.

And I hate it. I hate feeling like this...so full of bitterness and sadness. It sucks. And I'm HUNGRY. I want to eat. I wanted to eat more than the 3 freakin cocktail sausages I had to eat at the party tonight...but I didn't. I resisted. Even though my weight was up 1.1 lbs this morning...and even though I hadn't missed a single scheduled workout. I didn't want to eat...I didn't want to slip in front of everyone at the party....and fail...again. Instead, I came home and ate my Hebrew National Fat Free Hot Dogs with 45 calories per dog....along with the full blown 110 calorie bun...and some mac and cheese...but made with skim milk. Not sure the calorie count of everything I ate individually, but Mike added everything up and even with eating 2 hot dogs, the calorie count was like 746. The daily total will be well within my allowed range. I am pleased about the choices I made. I did what had been suggested by the nutritionist. I scanned the table before putting anything on my plate. I picked something that I don't get to have often (as a matter of fact, I picked something I've never had before at all). And I ate a small portion of that selection and then stopped. The food was AMAZING. She had taken the little cocktail smokies and wrapped them in bacon, sprinkled a mixture of brown sugar and Splenda on toop and baked until it was just a gooey mess of deliciousness. I swear to you, I could have eaten several dozen of these wieners....but I didn't. I should be proud of myself for making such good choices. Instead, I just cried and cried and cried tonight. Tomorrow things will probably look alot brighter. I'm sure I'll have a different perspective by then. I can't be in a funk forever, can I?

On a better note, Kimber is running a leg in a marathon tomorrow at White Rock Lake. Six miles...the early leg. I am hoping to get up and get out there in the morning to see her off. She has been there so much for me this last week, that it is the least I can do to cheer her on. Plus, maybe we can get a walk in while we're there. It is such a pretty place to walk. I hope the weather is perfect for her and the rest of our co-workers who are running.

Well..if you made it through this post, I applaud you. I know that it was a bit of a downer, but this is really about me and my struggle with weight...and it's not always going to be pretty or positive. I'm sure this journey will be full of ups and downs...and as Marilyn Monroe said, "if you can't take me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best." I love MM.

<3 Me

Things that I miss

2008-12-13T09:50:00.001-08:00

There are a few things I love or at least that I really like. Things like pizza, not the thin crust veggie type either. The nice hand tossed meat lovers with extra cheese...soft, chewy crust....mmmm...mmmm..good. I haven't had pizza since I started this journey a little over a week ago and I don't know how long it will be before I do have pizze, but I know the day will come that I have a craving for it. Another thing I love and have loved since being a little girl...Krystal hamburgers. This is a delicacy f0r which you must have a special taste. I almost think you have to start at a very early age because as an adult, the description I'm about to share may not sound very appetizing. If you have ever lived up North...maybe Ohio or even Indiana, you may have heard of White Castle. Or, if you are a movie buff, you may have heard of Harold and Kumar go to White Castle. White Castle is very similar to Krystal. For those who may not be familiar with this taste of heaven, the burgers are little bitty square creations. The meat is about as thin as a piece of paper and the bun is very similar to a dinner roll. The meat is "steamed" with onions on top and then the bun is placed on top of the meatand becomes a little soggy. See what I mean - doesn't sound too appetizing...soggy bun, thin steamed meat, onions. I promise you that although it may sound great, I have rarely tasted anything that makes my mouth water and my tummy happier. I love Krystal. Love it. For the first 17 or so years I lived in Texas, the only time I was ever able to indulge in Krystal was on my out of state visits to Arkansas, Mississippi, Georgia, SC....some deep south, good ole down home places. However, a few years ago, the beauty of Krystal came to town. They opened up a little joint about 2 minutes from my office. Lines were long....cuz if you are a true Krystal fan, the taste would make the wait so worthwhile. Slowly, a few others opened up...and now, any time I desired, I could just drive in and grab a Krystal or two. Remember these are SMALL burgers. So, it is never A burger. It is never even 2 or 3 burgers. These bad boys come in at least a quantity of four, otherwise, it is just an evil tease.

This morning, I went to my water aerobics class with Kimber at 9. I woke up late, had to throw on my suit, brush teeth, etc. and run out the door with my gym bag. Fortunately, I actually arrived as I saw Kimber stepping out of her car. She had little K with her, so she had to do all the mom stuff that seems so foreign to me now. Removing the darling from the car seat, fighting to make sure you have all your own stuff, plus that everything for the little one...it's a juggling act for sure...and I have forgotten how chaotic those days can be. I do miss those days though. I miss my son clinging to me and loving on me and looking at me like I am the most wonderful creation in the world. I miss all the kisses and hugs and the excitement of looking forward to things like baking cookies for Santa and watching their eyes light up with joy when they open that perfect present and see the ashes left on the carpet from Santa's big feet. There is no greater joy than I can imagine than loving your baby and watching them grow each day. My baby is 19...and no longer does he look at me with eyes of amazement. Well...actually, he does look at me with eyes of amazement...just a different kind of amazement. He seems amazed that someone as "out of touch" as me could possibly function on a daily basis. He is amazed that adults in general are just so stupid. He is amazed to learn that life doesn't revolve around his immediate needs...actually, he's still working on that one. But, these are different days...and I miss the old days where we could cuddle up on the couch and watch old movies like Arsenic and Old Lace or Dial M for Murder....or even some great kid movies like the Sand Lot or Angels in the Outfield. Life has changed...and I miss some pieces of the life I used to know.

I say all that, to share my dilemma of the day. This morning, after class, I called my husband to see if he had thought about what he might want to eat. Primarily, I called him because I needed distraction until I got out of the area since there was a Krystal about 1 minute from the gym. I figured that I needed to keep myself busy and get out of the area quickly or else my car would just end up and Krystal. So....I called and asked Mike what he wanted for breakfast/lunch, since it was getting close to 10:30 at this point. Do you know what he said???? You got it, he said Krystal. ARGH!!! So, I asked him to look up nutritional information so that I could make a decent choice with my quantity, etc. Well....the number he gave me for calorie count was 160. That's not so bad...oh wait...that is for ONE KRYSTAL. NOBODY eats ONE Krystal. Remember I said the minimum quantity was 4...well, you can do the math....see my dilemma??? "Maybe we could do IHOP...can you look up the nutritionals on IHOP?" I asked. IHOP has an IHOP for Me menu and it is alot healthier than the main menu. Today, was not going to be an IHOP for Me menu choice day for me....so as much as I could justify, I knew I couldn't do IHOP and stay reasonably within my range. I told him I'd just go to Krystal. Just count everything up and make sure the rest of the day is better. I kept driving, but that little voice kept telling me, "you know you cannot do this. You cannot go to Krystal and eat well....this is a really bad idea and will send you spiraling out of control." Finally, I picked up the phone and called Mike. By this time, it was almost 11 AM. I asked him if there was any way we could do Chick Fil A. He said sure and I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief. I can go to CFA...get a Char-grilled Chicken Sandwich and only take in 260 calories....eat some of my FF Light BBQ Pringles for 70 calories and then have a nice, cold Coke Zero. Total calories 330....so much better than the 640 calories I would have consumed for four Krystals (1110 if I chose to eat the fries). Don't be too freaked out...it gets worse. There have been times when I've eaten 5 or 6 Krystals, not just the four. Then I wonder, "why do I have to struggle with my weight?" Well....duh.....that's almost as many calories as I need to consume in a day!!! I felt better about making the decision to eat CFA instead of Krystal. Krystal and Pizza....a couple of the things that I'm just going to have to miss for a while longer.

Oh - and it happened today. You know the day I've been dreading...the one where the scale goes UP and not down. I had hoped it would be a while before I experienced the increase. No such luck....ewwww.....that makes it so much harder to do the right thing and not just say, "screw it". Well, the only thing I can really do about it is to try not to let that fluctuation change my mindset. This is one reason why making a good choice this morning was necessary. I am struggling and tonight I have a party to attend at my boss's home. She is a fabulous host and I am certain there will be lots and lots of goodies....but she also knows that I am taking it easy right now on the calorie front and I am confident that she will have some healthy choices out there.

My eyes are getting very heavy....have no idea why I am tired...and it's not good. I have like a million things to do today. But first, I do believe that I am going to have to indulge in the luxury of a mid day nap.

I haven't gone off my eating plan yet nor have I missed a day of working out. I am sooooo hoping that I will see 230 something by my next Dr. Appt (Jan 8th). Just gotta keep it movin til then. No rest for the weary.

<3 to everyone...... <3 Me.....

My Gibbs Moment

2008-12-12T21:08:00.000-08:00

Anybody out there watch NCIS? I caught on to it late...am just now catching up with the current episodes, but I do love it. My favorite character is Abby...she is so out there...but totally cool. Friday morning, I had a Gibbs moment...and if you watch the show, you know what that means. If not, let me bring you up to speed. I was sitting at my desk preparing for the day of work that was sure to begin way to soon. I heard this cute little voice, a Kimber voice...no wait...it wasn't Kimber. It was her evil twin Jillian. She was telling some of the girls in my group to give me a hard time today because I sort of had an "attitude" with her the night before. Really???? I think she was being kind. It was more than "sort of". She explained to my co-worker friends how I even "mocked" her. Yes, I did. I just slowly rolled out of my cube and gazed that way. I didn't even have to tap the back of her head (Gibbs reference). She looked a little surprised to see me. We all had a good laugh and I gave her a hard time as well.

The truth is, I really hadn't felt a huge amount of sisterly love for Kimber last night while at the gym. I loved her for helping me. I was smart enough to realize how blessed I was to have her in my corner. But, I wasn't really likin it that much. Tonight however, I can't even remember the misery. I guess this "workin out" thing is a little like childbirth...where you forget the pain associated with the process. Whatever it is, I felt good now.

I REALLY wanted some fried cheese at Chili's tonight. We went there before the hockey game. I had a really stressful day. The holidays can be full of stress and I'm sure you know exactly what I mean. I have been trying to get this one thing done for about a week and everytime I get close, something interrupts me or an emergency comes up. Today I made alot of progress and right at the last step, hit a roadblock. ARGH!!! Plus, I have alot of work right now and my #1 helper at work has been out of the office for 4 days!!!! So...I thought that I really deserved that fried cheese. And as my husband let me out of the car so that I could grab the table, I warned him that I wasn't going to be good. Surprise for me...when I got in there, this Chili didn't even HAVE fried cheese. What is up with that???? It's the Chili's Too Go version with a modified menu. Well...guess I'd have to have a Big Mouth Burger. I really had a hard day and I deserved it, right??? But for some reason, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't order the very good (or bad) food. I went with the Guiltless Grill Salmon instead and a Diet Coke. I feel pretty good about it, but a part of me really wants that fried cheese. I might try the recipe I found on hungrygirl.com for a "allowed" fried cheese. It is made with fiber one and lowfat mozarella and egg beaters. Maybe I will try and do something like that which will allow me to get a "taste" of that fried cheese like substance. Yummmmmmmm. I know, I know....nothing tastes as good as thin feels...and a moment on the lips forever on the hips....WHATEVER. Remember, I'm doing it the "healthy" way. And...I will make sure I have the room on the daily calorie allowance.

Also - a big shout out and praise for my sis and her family. They are missionaries in Mexico. She was released from the hospital today and I am so happy. They are going to get to visit for Christmas which is a real treat...and I have a special surprise for them on Christmas Day...but you'll hear more about that later.

<3 Me

Have I lost my mind????

2008-12-12T07:59:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was one of those days. You know the kind I mean - where you question what in the world have you signed up for? I worked out more yesterday than I have in my life, I do believe.

I also discovered something. In the past, I've watched the Biggest Loser with different thoughts. Initially, "there is not enough money in the world that would make me want to get up in front of national TV in those skimpy little outfits." After a season of two of seeing really great results, I often contemplated what a blessing it was to be chosen for a show like this...a unique opportunity to achieve something incredible to last a lifetime...if only I had the guts. Well...TRUST ME on this....I would never make it on that show. For the first time, I now understand how the contestants end up in tears and the comments indicating they could throw up are sincere IMHO. Kimber says I mocked her yesterday....she would not be incorrect in that statement. The workout was tough yesterday....and I told her she probably did not want to read my blog for yesterday...but I was too exhausted to do it last night. And surprisingly, this morning...it doesn't seem so bad. Don't get me wrong...I rolled my eyes (alot) and was questioning my sanity for beginning this journey (especially while on the elliptical), but truthfully, yesterday is over...and today my weight was down another 9/10 of a pound, which puts my total at about 8.5 lbs. Not so bad for a little over a weeks work, I'd say. Tomorrow we are supposed to go to the gym for a water aerobics class. I am looking forward to that for certain. I'm sure it won't be much of a workout for Kimber, but I really appreciate her attending with me...this is like my "fun" workout day. I've always enjoyed water activities. As a matter of fact, one of the reasons I'd like to get the weight down is so that I can obtain my scuba certification...so water aerobics, here I come!!!

As far as food choices go, I'm doing ok on that front....last night my arms hurt so badly that I couldn't even cut my steak....maybe that is the trick...work out so hard that you can't bring your fork to your mouth...then it won't matter what you eat...cuz after a bite or two, it just won't be worth it to move your arms one more time. LOL

Well...I keep meaning to post a pic...so that my loss can be tracked...but I need to hurry so I can get "credit" for these early pounds. Will get that done soon.

Thanks for all the encouragement & prayers....keep em coming!!

<3>

Made it through one "1st"

2008-12-11T10:07:00.000-08:00

Well, I was really worried about last night's workout for a few reasons, but mainly because it was the first one I was going to do by myself without my own little "Jillian" pushing me. I asked Kimber for some guidelines to help me be effective on my own...mainly on the cardio. She left me a "list" of mini-goals to push toward. On the bike, she said to try and keep it at 60 RPM at level 1, to keep the Elliptical between a 4-1/2 and 5 at level one, and to keep the treadmill at 3.8 the whole time, or at least 3.5 the whole time. LOL - Those were pretty lofty goals for a girl who considered taking a walk to mean walking from the bedroom to the kitchen.

And of course, there were challenges...beginning with getting there. I had been so excited to get my IPOD working with a playlist for the gym...because the first night I tried to listen to the IPOD, I had to scan through about 20 songs to find one that was tempo appropriate for the gym. I did that early in the day yesterday on iTunes, but didn't try to sync it up with my IPOD til leaving time. Word of advice - get your music loaded early...don't wait til it's time to go. I encountered issues and finally had to ask for help from a co-worker and we then had to resort to calling someone from the IPOD help desk. We were supposed to be at the hockey game by 6 to grab a bite to eat before the face-off. It was well after 5 before I finished my conversation with the friendly people at Apple...who actually were helpful and sent me the info on this "known" issue. Heading to the car at 5:30...my first thoughts are, "I can skip my workout"...then, "You can't skip your workout - that will be like a little child that mommy can't leave at home alone because they can't obey the rules"...then, "Well...I was supposed to have my IPOD ready and I was really looking forward to listening to music while working out alone...she will understand." You get the drift...back and forth..my two little voices arguing over which way I should turn. After some debate - I decided I had to go...maybe not push as hard as Kimber wanted..especially since we are supposed to be at the game by 6, but still get a little time in.

I am pretty proud of that decision. Now, I didn't do as much as I should have...or as much as my "Jillian" would have liked, but I did more than I expected. Hit the treadmill first and couldn't quite handle the 3.8 or even the 3.5 pace desired...but I was able to get started at about 3.2 and stayed between 3.2 & 3.4 for 3 minutes...gradually increased and was able to complete the last minute at a 3.9 pace. Then off to work on arms...which need LOTS of work...specially seein them in the mirror - not a pretty picture. Finished up arms and went to Elliptical for 5 minutes and kept it for the MOST part between 4-1/2 & 5, but certainly not entirely. Legs next..then the bike. Actually did what she asked on the bike for the most part. Areas that I didn't complete or achieve the desired results included squats with only 1 set of 12 reps and abs..which got absolutely no work-out at ALL. I did learn one thing....GO TO THE GYM EARLY. Arriving late meant alot more people were there...which isn't fun when you are already self conscious about your existance in a place like a gym!!! Finished up and went to see the Stars lose :-( - but had a good time and really was proud of the choices I made. Even dinner was the right choice with a guiltless grill chicken sandwich plate from Chili's and a diet coke. YAY ME!!

The really great part is that I am already seeing results and that feels more incredible than I can explain. Of course, I've weighed on various scales including one at work, the doc's office, my Wii, etc. Regardless of that, each of them are going down. I really think the best one to use as a daily measuring tool is my Wii Fit, especially if I weigh first thing in the morning before I leave the house. This morning, it said 245.2 - Since Friday, that is down over 7 lbs. I am so incredibly thrilled with this progress and scared at the same time, that it will end...I dread the day that I step on it and see the line moving in the upward direction again. It hasn't been too difficult thusfar to stay motivated..especially when there are visible & tangible results. I fully believe the level of difficulty would increase greatly and my motivation would decrease if I were to see no results or see an increase. I must prepare myself for that day - but for now - I am feeling pretty good!

Lunch was good today too. Fat-Free BBQ Pringles and a 6" subway sub with Coke Zero....so far no cuts and bruises from falling off the wagon.

Making Progress

2008-12-09T21:05:00.000-08:00

Well....hit the gym on Monday as planned and actually worked out harder than I expected. Kimber is great at encouraging me and pushing me to the next level. I actually made it to a slow jog on the treadmill....not too fast...for most people, it probably would have been a brisk walk. However, I do not want to discount the work I put in. Everything is relative and when you weigh more than 200 lbs., movement is difficult.

Did you notice I said more than 200 lbs and my last post said I weighed more than 250 lbs? Yep, I did it!! I hit my first mini-goal which was to get back below 250. Now of course, that is only after a couple of days and I realize that we lose water initially, so I do not expect this pace to keep up, but I did a good job of tracking my food and keeping my commitment to exercise so I am going to give myself credit for doing my part. 248.2 this morning on the scale...I am pleased.

Eating right at work is a little easier than doing well at home, but last night was a little easier. After working out, I just couldn't even consider doing badly...especially after Kimber called me within a few minutes of leaving the gym and suggested that we get Subway for dinner. It was an easy sell to my husband, so we stopped at Subway on the way and my choice was easy.

This morning, Kimber said she couldn't work out tonight so we changed our workout night to Wednesday instead of Tuesday. Reduced fat PB&J for dinner since I lost the keys to my car in Dillards and had to get someone to come from Arlington to pick me up in N. Dallas...didn't get home til 10....and cooking was not an option. Easy & quick and within my calorie range...so all is good. Grilled Chick-fil-A sammy for lunch and all is well with the calorie lines.

I am a little worried about not working out tonight. I was pretty pumped up after Monday evening and was not dreading the gym the next night. Taking a break in between is probably going to be fine, but I am a little worried that tomorrow evening my steam will be gone. Hopefully, I'll be up for the challenge. Mike and I have a hockey game tomorrow evening so it will be a quick workout and hopefully a shower before the game. Dinner will be easy since they've opened a Chili's inside AAC and I can eat off of the guiltless grill menu. I think tomorrow will be OK food wise and I will still get my workout in.

I have set another mini goal...it might be a bit aggressive, but I have a Dr. appointment on Jan. 8, 2009 and I'd like to be below 240 for that weigh in... more than that, I NEVER want to see Two-Fifty-ANYTHING on the scale again...am keeping fingers crossed. It's been a pretty long while since I've seen 230...so this is a great goal to focus on for a while.

Have a great night!

<3 Me

Gettin Started

2008-12-08T12:18:00.000-08:00

So...I am now beginning a new chapter in my life. I am kind of excited about it...and a little apprehensive. I am embarking on a journey in hopes to lose 100 lbs before September, 2010. I have been heavy most of my adult life, so this is an issue that I have agonized over before. I just have not been terribly motivated or interested enough before to do much about it, except complain...and wish. Wish that I could be thin...wish that I could have more money...wish for a better house...a better car....better friends....all the time, ignoring the blessings that I have been given.

My family consists of my husband, Mike and my son, Cody (19 YOA). I love them both very much and am extremely blessed to have each of them in my life...although, if you have ever lived through the teen years of your children, I'm sure you can imagine that these years can be challenging - at best!

I am just a girl...who let life get in her way...but things are changing now. Thanks to a few special people in my life, including my hubby & son, I am surrounded my an incredible support system. For the first time in my life, I actually am confident that I can change my life and shed some of this weight which has been such an albatross for many years.

At this point, I have to take a minute to give a hug to my friend and co-worker, Kimber. Kimber has generously offered to "help" me through this process. Primarily, she is my "trainer" at the gym. Trust me...without her...my legs would not even make it to the gym most days. She is such a bright light and joyous spirit....and yet another blessing that God has given me for which I will forever be grateful.

As a person of over 250 lbs., attempting to workout is a daunting task. In addition to the fear that others are looking & laughing at me, I am about the most clumsy person on the planet. I also sweat....alot. Even simple things, like selecting workout attire is a big challenge when you are this size.

NO MORE EXCUSES....I have the attire, the gym membership, and now the trainer. I have Kimber to support me and provide encouragement and another friend & co-worker who is also a BBW and is embarking on a similar journey of her own. I actually went to the gym on Thursday...wow...never thought I could actually walk onto a gym floor without dying of embarrassment.

For most people, the workout might be considered light...but for me, it was a challenge. I was proud of myself for hitting the machines for the time and rep levels that Kimber suggested. Just being able to do that was a huge accomplishment on it's own.

I am heading out today at 3:30 and should be at the gym by 4 for tonight's workout. Wish me luck.

<3 Me