Stress Eating

Is what I am about to do. I could fight the urge if it were just me, but this is my hubby's stress. Our most beloved dog, Sampson, got out of yard today while we were out and we haven't been able to find him. We have looked and looked along with our neighbors, and my son and many others we passed along the way. No luck. A few people had seen him...but we just always seemed to catch up with them too late. My husband also has pneumonia...so he doesn't need to be out looking for the dog...but this dog is so special to my husband. It is really hard to explain, especially if you are not a dog lover...but I will try to explain. My husband found Sampson at a shelter and he had been badly abused. My hubby was at a really vulnerable place in his life and the two creatures sort of bonded. They spent the next year helping each other to heal over the pain and hurt they had experienced before they met. I think without Sampson, Mike would have never been ready to have a wife and a family and I know that our family is very incomplete right now and we are just praying and praying that he finds his way home.

The doorbell just rang and it is the pizza delivery person...like I said...this is mainly my husbands stress...but I am guilty of giving in to the gooey nastiness.

Sampson come home...we love you and need you.

<3 Me

More love than hate today - FINALLY

Today I finally saw something on the scale that I have been wanting to see since my last post. A drop in the numbers on the scale. The last few days have been like some kind of yo-yo, but I never hit the 250 lb mark again, so that is something to be thankful for. Today, the scale reflected a weight of 243.4 which is the lowest I've seen in quite some time. Of course, I'm not supposed to be looking at the scale...I should be judging my progress on so many other factors...but of course, that is hard to do when you've spent so many years using the scale as the measuring stick.

I haven't planned any of the holiday menus yet, but I am pretty sure I will be able to do a reasonable job with that stuff. Of course, I plan to indulge in some yummy treats but hopefully I will carefully select where I want to spend my extra calories and keep those to a minimum on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

Exercise continues to be a struggle for me, but I have to give props to my girl Kimber. She doesn't give up on me and stays on track with the gym visits even on days when she would rather go home and just play with baby K. Yesterday, she kicked my butt hard on the cardio and I teared up a couple of times. I was fighting back tears, but I pushed through it and finished what she asked me..which was a 30 minute cycle on the treadmill followed by a 15 min torture time on the elliptical. A few times I "paused" which really means I just added extra time to my misery...but I did finish...and there is no better feeling than to be done. I don't mean that feeling of accomplishment you get from achieving something you never thought you could do. I mean the sheer happiness that you feel when you don't have to keep moving. I don't enjoy exercise, but I know it is a missing piece of this weight loss puzzle I have been trying to put together for the past few years. Tomorrow is water aerobics so yippee...I enjoy that because there is a lot less sweating involved.

Three more weeks til my next Dr. appointment and I can't wait...I really hope that my number is below 240 by that time...I think he will be surprised and pleased and I know that I can mark that off of my "goal" list.

BTW, I have been meaning to post a "before" pic....and finally have done that. It is certainly not a "happy pic", but one that is necessary in order to truly "SEE MYSELF" as I am now.

Hope everyone is enjoying this special time of year and the loved ones who are still here to share it with us. My SIL is having a tough time cuz my big brother passed away this year and it is her first year without him by her side at the holidays. I wish I could help her and make things better, but I know that there is nothing I can say to her to take away this pain. She said in my Christmas card this year that "life will never be the same". And she is right...it's not the same for me either...I loved my brother so much...but I know that he is giving me the stregth to make it through any rough times I encounter and he lives everyday in the hearts of anyone who knew him. I love you bubba....and miss you more than you can ever know.

<3 Me

My Love - Hate Relationship with the Scale

This morning I popped out of bed and couldn't wait to stand on the scale. I knew my choices weren't great on Sunday, but overall I had a pretty good weekend and was looking forward to seeing the scale settle back down. Hmmmmmm....didn't happen. Not only did the numbers on the scale not trend down...but instead, I actually saw an INCREASE. This really ticks me off. I am doing exactly what I need to do in order to see downward trending results. It is very odd to me that I am not a little angry. Instead, I am just moving right along as if the increases don't bother me at all. I guess that is because I am doing everything I can possibly do to achieve the results. I haven't missed a single workout and my calorie intake has only exceeded the recommended range once and even then, it was only by 65 calories. I have to believe this is an evil trick being played on me by the scale...something to discourage me and make me give in to a nice fast food hamburger or even better - the ooey gooey goodness of pizza. I think I will be strong...and I know that eventually, the scale will reflect this strength.

Weather is icky today, but not quite icky enough. Still must go in to work :-( but hopefully, I will get much accomplished today. I still have quite a few things to get done around the house in preparation for my sis and her family. I can't wait to see everyone. I hope the kiddos have a really good time. They don't get to spend holidays with family very often since they live in a little village in Mexico. I always want to make sure the kids have fun while they're here. I like being the fun, cool aunt.

<3 Me

Back on Track

Monday comes along and it just seems like things get easier during the week. Yesterday was sort of a downer day for me, but I didn't stray too far off track. I did exceed my suggested caloric intake by about 65 calories...which isn't the worst of it. I think worse than the 65 calorie overage was the fact that the choices I made weren't very good. However, today is a new day and I am not going to dwell on the choices of yesterday.

Holiday party at work today presented some challenges, but not nearly as large of a challenge as those little smokies on Saturday night. The biggest obstacle today was the cheesecake. I didn't do too badly at lunch. I ate about 4 ounces of a 6 oz. beef filet and passed on the chicken which looked really, really yummy but was breaded in something that I don't believe was Fiber One. LOL! I ate a few green beans and skipped on the mashed potatoes and orange veggies which I think were sweet potatoes. It was good to skip the food, especially since we had to get up in front of a room full of people and sing...yuck. I can't carry a tune, so I'm sure you can imagine how thrilled I was to stand in front of everyone. Actually - it wasn't too bad and standing with a couple of good friends by my side, made it much easier!

After the party, Kimber went with me to the gym. She ran a leg in the marathon at White Rock lake yesterday so she didn't work out, but that didn't stop her from standing over me to make sure I did my part. I could tell you how annoying this behaviour was, but that wouldn't be 100% truthful. I could never make the progress that I have made without her by my side. I appreciate it more than she will ever know. Please don't misunderstand....there is a certain level of annoyance. I don't love it while we are stepping through the program she has outlined for me, but thusfar, I have been able to finish our days without passing out. I can't say that I would regret not working out, but I can say that I usually feel fine by the time we complete everything.

I really wish that I would experience the endorphines that everyone claims rush in when we exercise. That "natural high" feeling that makes you LOVE to work out. Still haven't felt that, but am hoping that one day I will notice it. I can tell you that my favorite part of the work out is when we are all finished and actually walk out of the gym into the cold air. It is so refreshing.

Tomorrow will be an "off" day for the workout girls (praise be to God). Wednesday we are having our official "assessment" from Lifetime fitness. Not really looking forward to that since they will be taking measurements and all sorts of fun stuff like that. It will be good though, because it will give me a "starting point". My next Dr. Appt is on 1/8 and I would really like to see some progress from all this hard work. I haven't missed a scheduled workout and I do really feel good about that, but the scale is not being very friendly right now in light of the changes in my eating and exercise habits. It seems like the scale is creeping back up and that doesn't really make me enthusiastic. I hope that this is partly due to the normal fluctuations we women face each month, but only time will really tell.

Well...still have a few things to finish up and would like to get to bed early tonight if possible. Maybe tomorrow will be a "snow" day...that would be fun....although not quite the same as the days when my kiddo would be praying for the school name to scroll across the bottom of the screen. It was always fun to have a snow day back then....even if I just made sure the hot cocoa was ready when he and his buddies came back in.

Here's hoping that you will hear from less of me tomorrow!

<3 Me

Another day

Another day and not too much to say. Still in my funk. Stayed in bed all day today. Went over my calorie count by 65 calories which isn't too bad, in my opinion. Had so much to do, but just didn't feel like doin it. Overslept and didn't make it to White Rock this morning....which was the best shot I had at actually getting out and about. Tomorrow is the Holiday party at work, so it will be a busy day, I know. Maybe I will feel happy tomorrow.

Sometimes life just sucks

First, let me suggest that you skip this blog if you don't like to hear people whine. This is going to be a big ole whinin, pity party.

I went to a Christmas party at the home of my boss tonight. My boss is also one of my dearest friends and I always look forward to spending time with her outside of the office. So, one would think I would come home after such a great time in a wonderful mood. That is how it should have happened..but of course, that's not the way it did happen.

I have battled with this thing called "envy" for most of my life. I seem to always look at the lives of others and compare it to my own and see all the shortcomings in my life. It's pretty psycho, I know. And, as much as I try, I just can't seem to stop myself. I am at this little party watching everyone with their happy lives. Couples in love, people smiling, everyone happy..I watch and I just wish that I had something like that in my life. I feel very lonely in this crowded room of people. I feel lonely and unhappy. I imagine all the laughter that takes place in the home of each person who stands around me...the people with whom I work everyday. I think about my home in all of it's silence. I wonder how I got to this place in my life...this place where I have no one around to love me. I wish I knew what I did to isolate myself so much.

I am certain that you are very confused. Cuz I've told you about my husband...the one who is so great and I feel so blessed to have in my life. All this talk seems crazy if that is true, huh? Maybe. But while I feel very blessed to have Mike in my life...and he feels blessed to have me in his life - we only really have each other....and that is mainly by default...he was ready to have a wife...and I was there. My son is busy with his friends and really only needs me for occassional spending money. In years gone by, he needed me...and he loved me. Those days are over. Today, he just counts the minutes that he spends with me as if he is counting the days until a prison sentance is over. I thought I had filled his childhood with wonderful memories and lots of love. Somehow along the way, I missed the mark though. My life isn't filled with the joyous laughter of friends and family. It is empty and lonely. And that makes me sad. Sad and angry. Single friends say things to me sometimes. Things like, "at least you have a husband". Or..."I'd like to have what you guys have". I find it comical at best. We just have alot of unfulfilled dreams and missed opportunities.

I looked at the photographs on display in my friend's home. The smiles on the faces of her loved ones...the joyous events of her life and the lives of those whom she loves. How marvelous it must be to be surrounded by such happiness. The loving gaze of her husband. The admiration and respect of everyone in the room. I am envious.

I watched the guests at the party. Those who received phone calls from friends and other loved ones during the party. Those who had other parties and events to attend. People who are in the early stages of their relationship and the playful way that they exchange words. Mothers and Fathers who are anxious to return to their children or cuddle up on the couch with each other. Everyone is so full of life...so full of energy...full of excitement. I am envious.

And I hate it. I hate feeling like this...so full of bitterness and sadness. It sucks. And I'm HUNGRY. I want to eat. I wanted to eat more than the 3 freakin cocktail sausages I had to eat at the party tonight...but I didn't. I resisted. Even though my weight was up 1.1 lbs this morning...and even though I hadn't missed a single scheduled workout. I didn't want to eat...I didn't want to slip in front of everyone at the party....and fail...again. Instead, I came home and ate my Hebrew National Fat Free Hot Dogs with 45 calories per dog....along with the full blown 110 calorie bun...and some mac and cheese...but made with skim milk. Not sure the calorie count of everything I ate individually, but Mike added everything up and even with eating 2 hot dogs, the calorie count was like 746. The daily total will be well within my allowed range. I am pleased about the choices I made. I did what had been suggested by the nutritionist. I scanned the table before putting anything on my plate. I picked something that I don't get to have often (as a matter of fact, I picked something I've never had before at all). And I ate a small portion of that selection and then stopped. The food was AMAZING. She had taken the little cocktail smokies and wrapped them in bacon, sprinkled a mixture of brown sugar and Splenda on toop and baked until it was just a gooey mess of deliciousness. I swear to you, I could have eaten several dozen of these wieners....but I didn't. I should be proud of myself for making such good choices. Instead, I just cried and cried and cried tonight. Tomorrow things will probably look alot brighter. I'm sure I'll have a different perspective by then. I can't be in a funk forever, can I?

On a better note, Kimber is running a leg in a marathon tomorrow at White Rock Lake. Six miles...the early leg. I am hoping to get up and get out there in the morning to see her off. She has been there so much for me this last week, that it is the least I can do to cheer her on. Plus, maybe we can get a walk in while we're there. It is such a pretty place to walk. I hope the weather is perfect for her and the rest of our co-workers who are running.

Well..if you made it through this post, I applaud you. I know that it was a bit of a downer, but this is really about me and my struggle with weight...and it's not always going to be pretty or positive. I'm sure this journey will be full of ups and downs...and as Marilyn Monroe said, "if you can't take me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best." I love MM.

<3 Me

Things that I miss

There are a few things I love or at least that I really like. Things like pizza, not the thin crust veggie type either. The nice hand tossed meat lovers with extra cheese...soft, chewy crust....mmmm...mmmm..good. I haven't had pizza since I started this journey a little over a week ago and I don't know how long it will be before I do have pizze, but I know the day will come that I have a craving for it. Another thing I love and have loved since being a little girl...Krystal hamburgers. This is a delicacy f0r which you must have a special taste. I almost think you have to start at a very early age because as an adult, the description I'm about to share may not sound very appetizing. If you have ever lived up North...maybe Ohio or even Indiana, you may have heard of White Castle. Or, if you are a movie buff, you may have heard of Harold and Kumar go to White Castle. White Castle is very similar to Krystal. For those who may not be familiar with this taste of heaven, the burgers are little bitty square creations. The meat is about as thin as a piece of paper and the bun is very similar to a dinner roll. The meat is "steamed" with onions on top and then the bun is placed on top of the meatand becomes a little soggy. See what I mean - doesn't sound too appetizing...soggy bun, thin steamed meat, onions. I promise you that although it may sound great, I have rarely tasted anything that makes my mouth water and my tummy happier. I love Krystal. Love it. For the first 17 or so years I lived in Texas, the only time I was ever able to indulge in Krystal was on my out of state visits to Arkansas, Mississippi, Georgia, SC....some deep south, good ole down home places. However, a few years ago, the beauty of Krystal came to town. They opened up a little joint about 2 minutes from my office. Lines were long....cuz if you are a true Krystal fan, the taste would make the wait so worthwhile. Slowly, a few others opened up...and now, any time I desired, I could just drive in and grab a Krystal or two. Remember these are SMALL burgers. So, it is never A burger. It is never even 2 or 3 burgers. These bad boys come in at least a quantity of four, otherwise, it is just an evil tease.

This morning, I went to my water aerobics class with Kimber at 9. I woke up late, had to throw on my suit, brush teeth, etc. and run out the door with my gym bag. Fortunately, I actually arrived as I saw Kimber stepping out of her car. She had little K with her, so she had to do all the mom stuff that seems so foreign to me now. Removing the darling from the car seat, fighting to make sure you have all your own stuff, plus that everything for the little one...it's a juggling act for sure...and I have forgotten how chaotic those days can be. I do miss those days though. I miss my son clinging to me and loving on me and looking at me like I am the most wonderful creation in the world. I miss all the kisses and hugs and the excitement of looking forward to things like baking cookies for Santa and watching their eyes light up with joy when they open that perfect present and see the ashes left on the carpet from Santa's big feet. There is no greater joy than I can imagine than loving your baby and watching them grow each day. My baby is 19...and no longer does he look at me with eyes of amazement. Well...actually, he does look at me with eyes of amazement...just a different kind of amazement. He seems amazed that someone as "out of touch" as me could possibly function on a daily basis. He is amazed that adults in general are just so stupid. He is amazed to learn that life doesn't revolve around his immediate needs...actually, he's still working on that one. But, these are different days...and I miss the old days where we could cuddle up on the couch and watch old movies like Arsenic and Old Lace or Dial M for Murder....or even some great kid movies like the Sand Lot or Angels in the Outfield. Life has changed...and I miss some pieces of the life I used to know.

I say all that, to share my dilemma of the day. This morning, after class, I called my husband to see if he had thought about what he might want to eat. Primarily, I called him because I needed distraction until I got out of the area since there was a Krystal about 1 minute from the gym. I figured that I needed to keep myself busy and get out of the area quickly or else my car would just end up and Krystal. So....I called and asked Mike what he wanted for breakfast/lunch, since it was getting close to 10:30 at this point. Do you know what he said???? You got it, he said Krystal. ARGH!!! So, I asked him to look up nutritional information so that I could make a decent choice with my quantity, etc. Well....the number he gave me for calorie count was 160. That's not so bad...oh wait...that is for ONE KRYSTAL. NOBODY eats ONE Krystal. Remember I said the minimum quantity was 4...well, you can do the math....see my dilemma??? "Maybe we could do IHOP...can you look up the nutritionals on IHOP?" I asked. IHOP has an IHOP for Me menu and it is alot healthier than the main menu. Today, was not going to be an IHOP for Me menu choice day for me....so as much as I could justify, I knew I couldn't do IHOP and stay reasonably within my range. I told him I'd just go to Krystal. Just count everything up and make sure the rest of the day is better. I kept driving, but that little voice kept telling me, "you know you cannot do this. You cannot go to Krystal and eat well....this is a really bad idea and will send you spiraling out of control." Finally, I picked up the phone and called Mike. By this time, it was almost 11 AM. I asked him if there was any way we could do Chick Fil A. He said sure and I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief. I can go to CFA...get a Char-grilled Chicken Sandwich and only take in 260 calories....eat some of my FF Light BBQ Pringles for 70 calories and then have a nice, cold Coke Zero. Total calories 330....so much better than the 640 calories I would have consumed for four Krystals (1110 if I chose to eat the fries). Don't be too freaked out...it gets worse. There have been times when I've eaten 5 or 6 Krystals, not just the four. Then I wonder, "why do I have to struggle with my weight?" Well....duh.....that's almost as many calories as I need to consume in a day!!! I felt better about making the decision to eat CFA instead of Krystal. Krystal and Pizza....a couple of the things that I'm just going to have to miss for a while longer.

Oh - and it happened today. You know the day I've been dreading...the one where the scale goes UP and not down. I had hoped it would be a while before I experienced the increase. No such luck....ewwww.....that makes it so much harder to do the right thing and not just say, "screw it". Well, the only thing I can really do about it is to try not to let that fluctuation change my mindset. This is one reason why making a good choice this morning was necessary. I am struggling and tonight I have a party to attend at my boss's home. She is a fabulous host and I am certain there will be lots and lots of goodies....but she also knows that I am taking it easy right now on the calorie front and I am confident that she will have some healthy choices out there.

My eyes are getting very heavy....have no idea why I am tired...and it's not good. I have like a million things to do today. But first, I do believe that I am going to have to indulge in the luxury of a mid day nap.

I haven't gone off my eating plan yet nor have I missed a day of working out. I am sooooo hoping that I will see 230 something by my next Dr. Appt (Jan 8th). Just gotta keep it movin til then. No rest for the weary.

<3 to everyone...... <3 Me.....

My Gibbs Moment

Anybody out there watch NCIS? I caught on to it late...am just now catching up with the current episodes, but I do love it. My favorite character is Abby...she is so out there...but totally cool. Friday morning, I had a Gibbs moment...and if you watch the show, you know what that means. If not, let me bring you up to speed. I was sitting at my desk preparing for the day of work that was sure to begin way to soon. I heard this cute little voice, a Kimber voice...no wait...it wasn't Kimber. It was her evil twin Jillian. She was telling some of the girls in my group to give me a hard time today because I sort of had an "attitude" with her the night before. Really???? I think she was being kind. It was more than "sort of". She explained to my co-worker friends how I even "mocked" her. Yes, I did. I just slowly rolled out of my cube and gazed that way. I didn't even have to tap the back of her head (Gibbs reference). She looked a little surprised to see me. We all had a good laugh and I gave her a hard time as well.


The truth is, I really hadn't felt a huge amount of sisterly love for Kimber last night while at the gym. I loved her for helping me. I was smart enough to realize how blessed I was to have her in my corner. But, I wasn't really likin it that much. Tonight however, I can't even remember the misery. I guess this "workin out" thing is a little like childbirth...where you forget the pain associated with the process. Whatever it is, I felt good now.

I REALLY wanted some fried cheese at Chili's tonight. We went there before the hockey game. I had a really stressful day. The holidays can be full of stress and I'm sure you know exactly what I mean. I have been trying to get this one thing done for about a week and everytime I get close, something interrupts me or an emergency comes up. Today I made alot of progress and right at the last step, hit a roadblock. ARGH!!! Plus, I have alot of work right now and my #1 helper at work has been out of the office for 4 days!!!! So...I thought that I really deserved that fried cheese. And as my husband let me out of the car so that I could grab the table, I warned him that I wasn't going to be good. Surprise for me...when I got in there, this Chili didn't even HAVE fried cheese. What is up with that???? It's the Chili's Too Go version with a modified menu. Well...guess I'd have to have a Big Mouth Burger. I really had a hard day and I deserved it, right??? But for some reason, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't order the very good (or bad) food. I went with the Guiltless Grill Salmon instead and a Diet Coke. I feel pretty good about it, but a part of me really wants that fried cheese. I might try the recipe I found on hungrygirl.com for a "allowed" fried cheese. It is made with fiber one and lowfat mozarella and egg beaters. Maybe I will try and do something like that which will allow me to get a "taste" of that fried cheese like substance. Yummmmmmmm. I know, I know....nothing tastes as good as thin feels...and a moment on the lips forever on the hips....WHATEVER. Remember, I'm doing it the "healthy" way. And...I will make sure I have the room on the daily calorie allowance.

Also - a big shout out and praise for my sis and her family. They are missionaries in Mexico. She was released from the hospital today and I am so happy. They are going to get to visit for Christmas which is a real treat...and I have a special surprise for them on Christmas Day...but you'll hear more about that later.

<3 Me

Have I lost my mind????

Yesterday was one of those days. You know the kind I mean - where you question what in the world have you signed up for? I worked out more yesterday than I have in my life, I do believe.

I also discovered something. In the past, I've watched the Biggest Loser with different thoughts. Initially, "there is not enough money in the world that would make me want to get up in front of national TV in those skimpy little outfits." After a season of two of seeing really great results, I often contemplated what a blessing it was to be chosen for a show like this...a unique opportunity to achieve something incredible to last a lifetime...if only I had the guts. Well...TRUST ME on this....I would never make it on that show. For the first time, I now understand how the contestants end up in tears and the comments indicating they could throw up are sincere IMHO. Kimber says I mocked her yesterday....she would not be incorrect in that statement. The workout was tough yesterday....and I told her she probably did not want to read my blog for yesterday...but I was too exhausted to do it last night. And surprisingly, this morning...it doesn't seem so bad. Don't get me wrong...I rolled my eyes (alot) and was questioning my sanity for beginning this journey (especially while on the elliptical), but truthfully, yesterday is over...and today my weight was down another 9/10 of a pound, which puts my total at about 8.5 lbs. Not so bad for a little over a weeks work, I'd say. Tomorrow we are supposed to go to the gym for a water aerobics class. I am looking forward to that for certain. I'm sure it won't be much of a workout for Kimber, but I really appreciate her attending with me...this is like my "fun" workout day. I've always enjoyed water activities. As a matter of fact, one of the reasons I'd like to get the weight down is so that I can obtain my scuba certification...so water aerobics, here I come!!!

As far as food choices go, I'm doing ok on that front....last night my arms hurt so badly that I couldn't even cut my steak....maybe that is the trick...work out so hard that you can't bring your fork to your mouth...then it won't matter what you eat...cuz after a bite or two, it just won't be worth it to move your arms one more time. LOL

Well...I keep meaning to post a pic...so that my loss can be tracked...but I need to hurry so I can get "credit" for these early pounds. Will get that done soon.

Thanks for all the encouragement & prayers....keep em coming!!

<3>

Made it through one "1st"

Well, I was really worried about last night's workout for a few reasons, but mainly because it was the first one I was going to do by myself without my own little "Jillian" pushing me. I asked Kimber for some guidelines to help me be effective on my own...mainly on the cardio. She left me a "list" of mini-goals to push toward. On the bike, she said to try and keep it at 60 RPM at level 1, to keep the Elliptical between a 4-1/2 and 5 at level one, and to keep the treadmill at 3.8 the whole time, or at least 3.5 the whole time. LOL - Those were pretty lofty goals for a girl who considered taking a walk to mean walking from the bedroom to the kitchen.

And of course, there were challenges...beginning with getting there. I had been so excited to get my IPOD working with a playlist for the gym...because the first night I tried to listen to the IPOD, I had to scan through about 20 songs to find one that was tempo appropriate for the gym. I did that early in the day yesterday on iTunes, but didn't try to sync it up with my IPOD til leaving time. Word of advice - get your music loaded early...don't wait til it's time to go. I encountered issues and finally had to ask for help from a co-worker and we then had to resort to calling someone from the IPOD help desk. We were supposed to be at the hockey game by 6 to grab a bite to eat before the face-off. It was well after 5 before I finished my conversation with the friendly people at Apple...who actually were helpful and sent me the info on this "known" issue. Heading to the car at 5:30...my first thoughts are, "I can skip my workout"...then, "You can't skip your workout - that will be like a little child that mommy can't leave at home alone because they can't obey the rules"...then, "Well...I was supposed to have my IPOD ready and I was really looking forward to listening to music while working out alone...she will understand." You get the drift...back and forth..my two little voices arguing over which way I should turn. After some debate - I decided I had to go...maybe not push as hard as Kimber wanted..especially since we are supposed to be at the game by 6, but still get a little time in.

I am pretty proud of that decision. Now, I didn't do as much as I should have...or as much as my "Jillian" would have liked, but I did more than I expected. Hit the treadmill first and couldn't quite handle the 3.8 or even the 3.5 pace desired...but I was able to get started at about 3.2 and stayed between 3.2 & 3.4 for 3 minutes...gradually increased and was able to complete the last minute at a 3.9 pace. Then off to work on arms...which need LOTS of work...specially seein them in the mirror - not a pretty picture. Finished up arms and went to Elliptical for 5 minutes and kept it for the MOST part between 4-1/2 & 5, but certainly not entirely. Legs next..then the bike. Actually did what she asked on the bike for the most part. Areas that I didn't complete or achieve the desired results included squats with only 1 set of 12 reps and abs..which got absolutely no work-out at ALL. I did learn one thing....GO TO THE GYM EARLY. Arriving late meant alot more people were there...which isn't fun when you are already self conscious about your existance in a place like a gym!!! Finished up and went to see the Stars lose :-( - but had a good time and really was proud of the choices I made. Even dinner was the right choice with a guiltless grill chicken sandwich plate from Chili's and a diet coke. YAY ME!!

The really great part is that I am already seeing results and that feels more incredible than I can explain. Of course, I've weighed on various scales including one at work, the doc's office, my Wii, etc. Regardless of that, each of them are going down. I really think the best one to use as a daily measuring tool is my Wii Fit, especially if I weigh first thing in the morning before I leave the house. This morning, it said 245.2 - Since Friday, that is down over 7 lbs. I am so incredibly thrilled with this progress and scared at the same time, that it will end...I dread the day that I step on it and see the line moving in the upward direction again. It hasn't been too difficult thusfar to stay motivated..especially when there are visible & tangible results. I fully believe the level of difficulty would increase greatly and my motivation would decrease if I were to see no results or see an increase. I must prepare myself for that day - but for now - I am feeling pretty good!

Lunch was good today too. Fat-Free BBQ Pringles and a 6" subway sub with Coke Zero....so far no cuts and bruises from falling off the wagon.

Making Progress

Well....hit the gym on Monday as planned and actually worked out harder than I expected. Kimber is great at encouraging me and pushing me to the next level. I actually made it to a slow jog on the treadmill....not too fast...for most people, it probably would have been a brisk walk. However, I do not want to discount the work I put in. Everything is relative and when you weigh more than 200 lbs., movement is difficult.

Did you notice I said more than 200 lbs and my last post said I weighed more than 250 lbs? Yep, I did it!! I hit my first mini-goal which was to get back below 250. Now of course, that is only after a couple of days and I realize that we lose water initially, so I do not expect this pace to keep up, but I did a good job of tracking my food and keeping my commitment to exercise so I am going to give myself credit for doing my part. 248.2 this morning on the scale...I am pleased.

Eating right at work is a little easier than doing well at home, but last night was a little easier. After working out, I just couldn't even consider doing badly...especially after Kimber called me within a few minutes of leaving the gym and suggested that we get Subway for dinner. It was an easy sell to my husband, so we stopped at Subway on the way and my choice was easy.

This morning, Kimber said she couldn't work out tonight so we changed our workout night to Wednesday instead of Tuesday. Reduced fat PB&J for dinner since I lost the keys to my car in Dillards and had to get someone to come from Arlington to pick me up in N. Dallas...didn't get home til 10....and cooking was not an option. Easy & quick and within my calorie range...so all is good. Grilled Chick-fil-A sammy for lunch and all is well with the calorie lines.

I am a little worried about not working out tonight. I was pretty pumped up after Monday evening and was not dreading the gym the next night. Taking a break in between is probably going to be fine, but I am a little worried that tomorrow evening my steam will be gone. Hopefully, I'll be up for the challenge. Mike and I have a hockey game tomorrow evening so it will be a quick workout and hopefully a shower before the game. Dinner will be easy since they've opened a Chili's inside AAC and I can eat off of the guiltless grill menu. I think tomorrow will be OK food wise and I will still get my workout in.

I have set another mini goal...it might be a bit aggressive, but I have a Dr. appointment on Jan. 8, 2009 and I'd like to be below 240 for that weigh in... more than that, I NEVER want to see Two-Fifty-ANYTHING on the scale again...am keeping fingers crossed. It's been a pretty long while since I've seen 230...so this is a great goal to focus on for a while.

Have a great night!

<3 Me

Gettin Started

So...I am now beginning a new chapter in my life. I am kind of excited about it...and a little apprehensive. I am embarking on a journey in hopes to lose 100 lbs before September, 2010. I have been heavy most of my adult life, so this is an issue that I have agonized over before. I just have not been terribly motivated or interested enough before to do much about it, except complain...and wish. Wish that I could be thin...wish that I could have more money...wish for a better house...a better car....better friends....all the time, ignoring the blessings that I have been given.

My family consists of my husband, Mike and my son, Cody (19 YOA). I love them both very much and am extremely blessed to have each of them in my life...although, if you have ever lived through the teen years of your children, I'm sure you can imagine that these years can be challenging - at best!

I am just a girl...who let life get in her way...but things are changing now. Thanks to a few special people in my life, including my hubby & son, I am surrounded my an incredible support system. For the first time in my life, I actually am confident that I can change my life and shed some of this weight which has been such an albatross for many years.

At this point, I have to take a minute to give a hug to my friend and co-worker, Kimber. Kimber has generously offered to "help" me through this process. Primarily, she is my "trainer" at the gym. Trust me...without her...my legs would not even make it to the gym most days. She is such a bright light and joyous spirit....and yet another blessing that God has given me for which I will forever be grateful.

As a person of over 250 lbs., attempting to workout is a daunting task. In addition to the fear that others are looking & laughing at me, I am about the most clumsy person on the planet. I also sweat....alot. Even simple things, like selecting workout attire is a big challenge when you are this size.

NO MORE EXCUSES....I have the attire, the gym membership, and now the trainer. I have Kimber to support me and provide encouragement and another friend & co-worker who is also a BBW and is embarking on a similar journey of her own. I actually went to the gym on Thursday...wow...never thought I could actually walk onto a gym floor without dying of embarrassment.

For most people, the workout might be considered light...but for me, it was a challenge. I was proud of myself for hitting the machines for the time and rep levels that Kimber suggested. Just being able to do that was a huge accomplishment on it's own.

I am heading out today at 3:30 and should be at the gym by 4 for tonight's workout. Wish me luck.

<3 Me