Sometimes life just sucks

First, let me suggest that you skip this blog if you don't like to hear people whine. This is going to be a big ole whinin, pity party.

I went to a Christmas party at the home of my boss tonight. My boss is also one of my dearest friends and I always look forward to spending time with her outside of the office. So, one would think I would come home after such a great time in a wonderful mood. That is how it should have happened..but of course, that's not the way it did happen.

I have battled with this thing called "envy" for most of my life. I seem to always look at the lives of others and compare it to my own and see all the shortcomings in my life. It's pretty psycho, I know. And, as much as I try, I just can't seem to stop myself. I am at this little party watching everyone with their happy lives. Couples in love, people smiling, everyone happy..I watch and I just wish that I had something like that in my life. I feel very lonely in this crowded room of people. I feel lonely and unhappy. I imagine all the laughter that takes place in the home of each person who stands around me...the people with whom I work everyday. I think about my home in all of it's silence. I wonder how I got to this place in my life...this place where I have no one around to love me. I wish I knew what I did to isolate myself so much.

I am certain that you are very confused. Cuz I've told you about my husband...the one who is so great and I feel so blessed to have in my life. All this talk seems crazy if that is true, huh? Maybe. But while I feel very blessed to have Mike in my life...and he feels blessed to have me in his life - we only really have each other....and that is mainly by default...he was ready to have a wife...and I was there. My son is busy with his friends and really only needs me for occassional spending money. In years gone by, he needed me...and he loved me. Those days are over. Today, he just counts the minutes that he spends with me as if he is counting the days until a prison sentance is over. I thought I had filled his childhood with wonderful memories and lots of love. Somehow along the way, I missed the mark though. My life isn't filled with the joyous laughter of friends and family. It is empty and lonely. And that makes me sad. Sad and angry. Single friends say things to me sometimes. Things like, "at least you have a husband". Or..."I'd like to have what you guys have". I find it comical at best. We just have alot of unfulfilled dreams and missed opportunities.

I looked at the photographs on display in my friend's home. The smiles on the faces of her loved ones...the joyous events of her life and the lives of those whom she loves. How marvelous it must be to be surrounded by such happiness. The loving gaze of her husband. The admiration and respect of everyone in the room. I am envious.

I watched the guests at the party. Those who received phone calls from friends and other loved ones during the party. Those who had other parties and events to attend. People who are in the early stages of their relationship and the playful way that they exchange words. Mothers and Fathers who are anxious to return to their children or cuddle up on the couch with each other. Everyone is so full of life...so full of energy...full of excitement. I am envious.

And I hate it. I hate feeling like this...so full of bitterness and sadness. It sucks. And I'm HUNGRY. I want to eat. I wanted to eat more than the 3 freakin cocktail sausages I had to eat at the party tonight...but I didn't. I resisted. Even though my weight was up 1.1 lbs this morning...and even though I hadn't missed a single scheduled workout. I didn't want to eat...I didn't want to slip in front of everyone at the party....and fail...again. Instead, I came home and ate my Hebrew National Fat Free Hot Dogs with 45 calories per dog....along with the full blown 110 calorie bun...and some mac and cheese...but made with skim milk. Not sure the calorie count of everything I ate individually, but Mike added everything up and even with eating 2 hot dogs, the calorie count was like 746. The daily total will be well within my allowed range. I am pleased about the choices I made. I did what had been suggested by the nutritionist. I scanned the table before putting anything on my plate. I picked something that I don't get to have often (as a matter of fact, I picked something I've never had before at all). And I ate a small portion of that selection and then stopped. The food was AMAZING. She had taken the little cocktail smokies and wrapped them in bacon, sprinkled a mixture of brown sugar and Splenda on toop and baked until it was just a gooey mess of deliciousness. I swear to you, I could have eaten several dozen of these wieners....but I didn't. I should be proud of myself for making such good choices. Instead, I just cried and cried and cried tonight. Tomorrow things will probably look alot brighter. I'm sure I'll have a different perspective by then. I can't be in a funk forever, can I?

On a better note, Kimber is running a leg in a marathon tomorrow at White Rock Lake. Six miles...the early leg. I am hoping to get up and get out there in the morning to see her off. She has been there so much for me this last week, that it is the least I can do to cheer her on. Plus, maybe we can get a walk in while we're there. It is such a pretty place to walk. I hope the weather is perfect for her and the rest of our co-workers who are running.

Well..if you made it through this post, I applaud you. I know that it was a bit of a downer, but this is really about me and my struggle with weight...and it's not always going to be pretty or positive. I'm sure this journey will be full of ups and downs...and as Marilyn Monroe said, "if you can't take me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best." I love MM.

<3 Me